Her Story

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

Whatever we may face in this life – death, heartache, pain, trials, and tribulations, we can take great comfort in knowing that as a child of God, there is nothing that can separate us from His love. Nothing. And there is nothing we cannot overcome with Christ by our side. That is her story today. Pull up a chair and grab some tissues. You’re going to need them. Her story is filled with pain and loss, but overshadowing all of that is the love of her Savior, Jesus Christ who never once left her side through the deepest valleys.

Her childhood was characterized by attending church every Sunday without fail. It was simply part of the routine, and she didn’t question it. Raised Eastern Orthodox, which is similar to Roman Catholic, church was just something that you did. While she and her brother would attend Sunday school, her parents would go to “the big church”. Sunday school was followed by another church service where she would sit with her family trying to behave as she listened to a service that didn’t make much sense to her at all. Since the service was done mostly in Serbian and she didn’t speak Serbian, she had no idea what was being said. Church was about discipline and obedience, and nothing more. Stand up, sit down, recite, repeat, and do it all over again. At some point before her teenage years, her family stopped going to church. This didn’t really upset her much, since she only ever went because she had to, and when she was there, she never really understood the point of it. A relationship with Jesus was a foreign concept to her, so she just assumed she was better off having more time on Sundays.

Up until this point, her life was fairly “normal”, not exceedingly difficult. Yet it’s amazing how quickly that all changed when at just 16 years old, she was told that her mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Life as she knew it seemed to be turned upside down. Fear set in with so many questions plaguing her mind: how much time did she have left? Would she be there for her high school graduation? For her wedding day? For the birth of her children? Would she miss it all? Even with all the medications, there were no guarantees, no certainties. At 16, this seemed like an impossible burden to bear. How could she live the rest of her life without her mom? She had thought that her parents would always be there, but now all she could think about was “please let her live, please let her be there for me”. She had no idea who she was pleading with, but she felt hopeless and had to call out to someone, something.

Her mother’s life was miraculously prolonged. She couldn’t explain it, but she was so grateful. Her mom was there to see her get married and for the birth of her son. Life was happy once again. She had a great family, great friends, a good job, a nice car…all the things she thought she needed to remain happy. Her mother’s health had remained stable for some time now, and although the thought of that changing at any time still loomed in the back of her mind, she was enjoying her life.

Fast forward to 2005…things still seemed to be headed in the right direction. Her mother had faced some new health issues related to her terminal illness, but she always seemed to bounce back. Her mother was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack, when she got a call at work that forever changed her life. Just two days earlier, her and her dad had been visiting her mom in the hospital, and things were really looking up. Mom was about to be released as her recovery was going well. When they left the hospital that night, she kissed her dad goodbye, told him she loved him and said “I’ll see you here tomorrow”. The next day, her mom told her that her dad wasn’t feeling well and thought he was coming down with the flu. Just to be safe, he was going to stay home so he wouldn’t get her sick. However, when they didn’t hear from him the next day when they called to check up on him, they grew concerned. Mom was still in the hospital so she sent a neighbor over to check on him. Nothing could have prepared her for the call. “He’s gone.” Their neighbor found him lying in his bed. He had died in his sleep. Panic, fear, and overwhelming pain flooded her heart. “What do you mean ‘he’s gone’?!?!” She had just seen him two days before, and he was fine. It didn’t make sense. How could this have happened? She headed straight to the hospital to be with her mom. They both were in shock, heartbroken. Her mother kept saying “if only I had been home, I could have taken him to the doctor”.

The next few days were a blur. Her parents had their funeral arrangements prepared in advance which made things a little easier, although not any less painful. She still had no real answers as to what happened to her dad, why he died so suddenly. No autopsy was done, so they would now be faced with all the nagging questions about what really happened. She became obsessed with it. She couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and she would spend hours online researching his symptoms related to various causes of death. She just couldn’t let it go. She was so angry with God. How could He allow this to happen, and why now? What kind of timing was this? With her mom still in the hospital recovering, was this really the best time to take her dad, without being able to be with him or even say goodbye? She couldn’t understand how a loving God could allow such pain and heartache. She found herself questioning her faith and whether or not there really was a God. She wasn’t prepared for this. How could she live without her dad? It had always been the fear of losing her mother, but now this.

Pain became her new reality. She began to fall into the trap of depression. She had no answers about what had happened to her dad. She worried so much about her mom and how she was going to take care of her. She could barely think straight. She was searching for peace, answers, something, anything. One day while flipping through the radio, she came across K-Love, a Christian station. She had never listened to Christian music before, but the words of the song gripped her heart and wouldn’t let go. It was Nichole Nordeman’s song called “What If”. The words were definitely speaking to her aching heart, enough to make her pause on that station and listen. God was knocking, ever so softly, trying to get her attention. The Christian music kept drawing her in, and she began to spend more and more time listening to it. So many of the songs seemed to put into words how she was feeling. Again, God was knocking, a little louder this time, and now she was listening.

Over the next several months, she spent as much time as she could with her mom while trying to balance work and home life. Her parents had just celebrated 47 years of marriage, so her mom was lost without him. She found a private care home that was going to be perfect for her mom. They took good care of her, and she made some wonderful friendships even in her grieving. She was there to take her mom to doctor appointments, shopping, or just out for coffee. This time together was much needed and so very precious. Her mom was often sick during this time, in and out of the hospital, and at times it felt like all they had left were each other.

In July of 2006, things began to take a turn for the worst. Her mother was in the ER at Mayo Hospital on the 4th of July. From that day forward, her health continued to deteriorate. By the end of the month, the doctors told her that her mom’s condition was getting worse, and they didn’t think she would make it through the night. She called her husband and told him to come to the hospital and to bring their son, Andrew. The three of them spent that night with her mom, holding her, loving her, and saying their goodbyes.

Early the next morning, she was faced with the heartbreaking decision to take her mom off of life support. Since they had always talked about everything, she knew what her mother’s wishes were. Despite knowing it was what her mom would have wanted, it was the hardest decision she ever made. After the doctor and nurses left the room, she crawled into the bed next to her mom, wrapped her arms around her, told her how much she loved her, how she was the best mom in the entire world, and she held her as she took her last breath. The sun had just begun to rise, and the rays were starting to come through the window. As she held her, kissed her, cried, and told her that she would always love her, she felt a sense of peace come over her, something she had never felt before. She had assumed she would be in another panicked state. It was only eight months earlier that she had lost her dad. She had thought for sure that if anything ever happened to her mom after that, she would not be able to keep herself together. Yet, the peace that surpasses understanding flooded into her heart and filled that room like the sun’s rays in the midst of her tears.

The days and weeks that followed were filled with everything that needed to be finalized. She had many, many moments of tears, as she missed her parents so much, but as she allowed her heart to hear what God was saying to her, mostly through music at first, but then though specific people He put in her life, she began to understand that God had a plan. Although she couldn’t quite see it at the time, He knew what He was doing.

She has learned that God never promised a life free of heartache and pain, but He did promise that if we walk with Him, He will carry us through even the darkest of times. Thinking back, she honestly felt that from the time her mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness to whenever the day came that she would lose her, she was convinced that she would lose herself too. She was certain of it. Now she can see that God used the death of her dad to bring her to her knees searching for God. That difficult time caused her to invite God into her life, and He prepared her for what He knew was coming only eight short months later.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

Without God’s presence in her life and the strength He brings, there is no way she could have made it through the loss of both of her parents. She misses them more than words can say, but she is daily comforted in knowing that God is in control, He loves her, and through it all, she loves Him more today that she ever thought imaginable. God has taken the most devastating moments of her life and used them to bring her closer and closer to Him with each passing day. She hears His voice encouraging and guiding her, and she knows the heights and depths of His love for her. In her darkest hour, He was there. In her deepest pain, He comforted her with His love. She knows the comfort that only He can bring to a broken heart. She turned to Him, and He wrapped her in His loving arms. When she felt alone, He carried her safely through the storm.

Her love for God has continued to grow over the past few years, and now she is seeing God working on her husband’s heart. They’ve been attending church together as a family for the past several months, and she has the joy of watching her husband learn all about God’s love for him and what it means to have God in his life. She is confident that God will finish the work He has started in her life and in her family. Days still come when she is discouraged and feels pain, but God faithfully draws her to His side and comforts her with His truth that she is never alone and that His grace is sufficient for her.

Her story brings me to tears, as she has faced some of my greatest fears on this side of heaven. Her story is one of courage in the face of tragedy, hope when all else seemed hopeless. Her story is one with God’s love and grace woven through every season. Her steadfast faith in Jesus Christ spurs me on to know and love Jesus more. Her story proves God’s faithfulness and points us heavenward. She is my friend, my co-worker, my sister in Christ, and my hero. Her name is Malinda, and I love my Jesus more today because of her story.